Kids should talk to strangers.

       Well, that's a bold title. Yes, this somewhat nervous adult who as a child wouldn't talk to anyone is asserting that our thoughts about stranger danger should be re-evaluated. Is it true that there are dangerous people out there who you want to keep from interacting with your children? Absolutely! Is keeping them from talking to anyone the answer? Absolutely not! ​

I was shy and cautious with strangers. I'm not sure why my dad got "the glare" in this photo.

When I'm around those I feel close to, I am open and outgoing.

       Let me first tell you about me as a child. I was confident with my family but get me out with strangers and I would clam up, make a sour face, and hide behind my parents. Sometimes there was an audible grunt as I swished behind my mother's skirts in an effort to avoid people. My mother found this behavior unacceptable for obvious reasons. Most of these people were strangers to me but known to her. They were other church members, neighbors, and extended family who wanted to greet me. One of the many things I appreciate about my mother is that she listened to me and tried to understand me, so in this instance, she asked me with a sincere desire to understand, "Why do you act like this when people talk to you?" I explained that I didn't know what to say. Seeing a solvable problem my mom hatched a plan. She explained that most adults who wanted to talk to me were only being polite. They weren't expecting a deep discussion or anything other than just a polite response. The next step in her plan was to give me a script and role-play with me. The script was made up of the most common things peolpe said to me. She went over the conversation with me then we role played.

Mom acting as stranger: "Hi!" 
Me: "Hi."
Mom acting as stranger: "What's your name?"
Me: "Edy."
Mom acting as stranger: "How old are you?" 
Me: Four
Mom acting as stranger: "That's a pretty dress you're wearing." 
Me: "Thanks."

       By that point, the adult had usually ended the conversation with me and was back talking to my parents. She taught me the importance of talking loudly enough to be heard and looking at people. We read the Richard Scarry manners book which states, "Good manners make a person nice to know. "
       So how does this apply today? How did it change how I raised Logan? Well, I should first point out that Logan is very outgoing and has been since he was little, but that doesn't mean he always knows what to do. We've always encouraged him to order for himself, ask a store employee where something is located, or greet neighbors. We believed that talking to strangers is important because it put Logan out of his comfort zone. How is this person going to react? What do I say? After watching him in action we have see it build confidence because when work happens outside our comfort zone, growth takes place. 
       Okay, okay - reign it in, Edy. What about safety? What about Stranger Danger? Talking with your kids about strangers and teaching them how to interact in the world is the safest course of action you can take. Let's look back at that conversation practice with my mom. The conversations we rehearsed for always took place with her nearby. I knew that she knew the person and that their main focus was not on me. If there was someone who was creepy or I found to be disturbing in some way, I would avoid them and she wouldn't make me interact with them. She didn't make me sit on people's laps or go with people I was scared of. The interactions we rehearsed helped me be safe. It also helped me learn to read people and their interest in what I have to say.
       There was also an incident where our practice helped the whole family. One evening we were driving to Windsor, Canada for dinner at one of our favorite places. There had been several kidnapping cases recently so the border guards were particularly tough that night. They looked at me sitting in the front seat between my parents (this was totally legal in the 80s) and asked, "Little Girl, are these your parents?" My parents prayed that I wouldn't give my nervous stock answer to a question that wasn't on the script - a whiny, "I don't knooooooow." Fortunately for all of us, I said, "Yes," and we were on our way to dinner.
       The worst thing you can do for your kids is to scare them with the idea that everyone in the world wants to hurt them. Depending on where you live, 99.9% of the people you will meet will be fine. Scaring them out of interacting with the 99.9% leaves children feeling anxious and alone, something we are seeing exponential increases in among today's children. Training your children how to interact with the good people will train them how to deal with the bad. The following are some ground rules you can lay out. I learned a lot of this from Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry by Lenore Skenazy. I highly recommend this book for all parents. 

1. Explain social expectations. The server at a restaurant or the worker manning the counter only wants to know your order. Speak to them with clarity and then move on. If you live near the border or interact with law enforcement teach them to speak clearly, directly, and answer the questions asked. I am sure to have this discussion with anyone in my car when we cross the border. I don't want my car taken apart by customs because someone in the car didn't want to talk when they were talked to. 
2. Teach them to notice their surroundings. Employees will generally wear a uniform. Point this out everywhere you go and explain that if they need help they can talk to these people. This works very well at zoos, amusement parks, museums, national parks, etc. Skenazy recommends teaching kids that when they are lost they should look for a mom (a lady with kids). Her point is that moms are most likely to care about a lost child and least likely to want to take home any more than the brood they are already managing. 
3. Use this mantra: Adults NEVER need help from kids. Kids sometimes need help from adults. I remember falling an skinning my knee while on a bike ride around my neighborhood. I was bleeding and needed some help. I knocked on a neighbor's door and a mom answered the door. She bandaged me up and sent me on my way. I needed her help. The converse would never be true. An adult who comes to the door asking to be let in without speaking to a parent is not safe. If an adult loses their dog they can call any number of resources. They don't need help from kids in the park. Teaching this does require some reasoning and people skills. For example, if an adult comes by the park and says, "Have you kids seen a black dog? No? Okay, thanks," and walks off they are just looking for their dog. If they ask the kids to come with them and look for the missing dog this is not okay. An adult who asks kids for help is not safe and should be avoided. If someone did approach a child at a park and ask them to leave with them the child should say no and go tell an adult who is close by. 

       The "Free Range" ground rules take effort to talk about and a parent who is willing to listen and tune into their child's behavior, but the benefits are life-long confidence, reduced anxiety, and strong social skills. It also builds trust between parents and children because both must discuss expectations and responsibilities. This will look different for each family. My son, although outgoing, is very cautious. I rarely have a concern about him wandering off or engaging in dangerous behaviors. Some children are naturally trusting with a daredevil spirit and may need more training and guidance. 
       You can find excellent resources and and research that supports these ideas at letgrow.org. I would love to support you as you work with your child to be confident and connected to their community. Comment below with your thoughts! 

When doing something as simple as choosing a balloon animal, we always encouraged him to ask for himself, look the person in the eye, and say thank you.

Confidence with strangers allowed him to be part of a pub band when we visited Ireland in 2013. They asked if he wanted to sit with them and they let him try their instruments.