I know that being on time is important. I know that being late is rude. I've read statements like, “Arriving late was a way of saying that your own time was more valuable than the time of the person who waited for you.” (Karen Joy Fowler, The Jane Austen Book Club). These statements always hurt because I really don't think my time is more valuable than anyone else's. Here's what usually happens.
First and second, I am terrible at judging how long it takes me to do something and I lose stuff. "I've got 5 minutes before I need to leave. I'll just do these dishes in the sink." In reality, there were 10 minutes worth of dish washing. Then I realize, "I forgot to grab my wedding ring," so I run back upstairs to grab that. "Ugh, where are my shoes. I swear they were right here!" I wish I could say that this is a rare occasion, but nope, this is every day. I've actually improved over the years if that is any indication to you of how things are for me. Now I keep my keys and wallet in my purse which is always in the same place. This has helped tremendously, but sometimes my phone gets lost and I have to remember where I put that. Sometimes it's in my pocket while I'm frantically searching. (This is why I say a possible title for the story of my life is Have You Seen My Keys?. If you've spent time with me, I'm sure you've helped me search for something.)
My third issue with being punctual is I feel like I'm wasting time when I'm just sitting. I always have to be reading, or writing, or working, or something. I just hate that feeling of getting somewhere early then having nothing to do. I carry my Kindle with me everywhere so I never have to feel like I've got nothing to do. I love this quote, “Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.” (Evelyn Waugh) Maybe it's not a virtue, but I am definitely never bored. I feel especially nervous in crowds where I don't know anybody so I want to spend as little time as possible just sitting and waiting for an event to start. If I get somewhere and I see pockets of people visiting and talking and I'm alone, an intense feeling of loneliness comes over me and I'm overwhelmed. I rarely feel comfortable enough to go up and start talking to people on my own. This may seem silly or weird, but I cope by planning to be just on time, but combined with the issues in the above paragraph it usually means I'm late.
Every morning I try to have my clothes ready to go, my lunch packed, and everything ready. I never mean to be disrespectful. I want to leave the house all perky and prepared. But I don't. I usually leave the house in a mad dash for the car, feeling my coffee splash down my outfit , staining it before I even leave the house. By the time I'm in the car, I'm a nervous wreck because I HATE being late. I don't like being rude or unreliable.
At this point in my life, I am the most punctual I've ever been and I'm still working to improve. I know that's perfect, but let's get real, it's the best I can do.
This is me. Real and unfiltered.
We all dream big and do our best, but putting ourselves out there can be uniting because we realize that we are not alone in our struggles and emotions. This isn't a page where I seek answers, but rather I seek to connect with others and show that we are all works in progress.